I Wanna Believe In You
by Damion Starr
Summary: There were few certainties in Cougar's life. One was he was hopelessly and irrevocably in love with Jake Jensen...and Cougar was going to kill Wade for what he'd done to his hacker.  Slash J/C, past non-con Jensen/Wade, slash, trigger: rape description.


Author's Note: First off, I don't own The Losers. They belong to people with money. I just borrowed them to play with. Second, this story has a short, but trigger-y description of a past rape. Then there's consensual sex, both of which are of the homosexual persuasion. And the consensual is kinda descriptive. I think that's everything, or at least the major things. Ye hast been warned!

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In the life of a Special Operative, there were few certainties. Carlos Alvarez, better known as "Cougar", was no exception. His few certainties were these; he never missed a target, he'd die for his team, he was helplessly, irrevocably in love with Jake Jensen.

And he was going to kill Wade for what he'd done to Jensen.

Cougar wasn't supposed to know about it. He didn't until a few hours ago when he'd finally confronted the hacker after their completely FUBAR mission to Santa Maria with Wade's team from Par-Sec. The others hadn't noticed the way Jensen had tensed up at the mention of Wade when they got the assignment, the way his fingers froze over his keyboard, or even how Jensen had hung in the back of the group when Clay had introduced his Losers, but Cougar was Cougar, and he noticed.

He'd also seen the way Wade's eyes had dragged up and down Jensen's body, corner of his mouth turned up in a smirk. Cougar had narrowed his eyes and moved to Jensen's side. Wade glanced at him, then turned back to Clay. When Cougar looked over at Jensen, he saw the blonde was terribly pale. Cougar put his back to the rest of the group and subtly took Jensen's hand in his own, hiding the gesture with his own body. Jensen looked over at him, a surprised look on his face, but when Cougar smiled his soft smile, Jensen smiled back.

"Está usted bien, cariño?"

Jensen nodded, and Cougar didn't believe him, but he just gave the hand in his one last squeeze before letting go.

The rest of the mission, Cougar refused to leave Jensen alone. If the other Losers weren't with the hacker, he was. It wasn't that much of a problem, since they usually tried to make sure someone stayed with Jensen to keep him out of trouble, but at one point Clay tried to get Cougar to leave Jensen alone with Wade. Cougar had dragged his commanding officer aside and said in no uncertain terms that there was no way in hell. Clay had stared at him a moment, and Cougar saw the wheels turning in his mind, but just held his stare evenly. Finally, Clay had acquiesced, and Cougar remained beside Jensen, letting him ramble, while the sniper glared at Wade until the bigger man left the room.

Once they were alone, Jensen leaned over and pressed a lingering, hungry kiss to Cougar's lips. "Thanks," He whispered before turning back to his work, and Cougar had smiled as he stared down his scope.

Then they'd been forced to remain in place while Par-Sec massacred an entire village. From their position, they could hear the villagers screaming, some in Spanish, some in English, but you don't need to understand the language to know a plea for mercy. Jensen finally ripped off his earpiece and stomped off into the jungle. Cougar and the others glanced at each other before Clay gave him a nod. Cougar returned it, and followed Jensen.

He didn't have to go far. The younger man was crouched down, leaning back against a tree with his hands clapped over his ears. Cougar's first reaction was to curse him out for putting himself in a compromising position, since anyone could have walked up and put a bullet in his skull, but when Jensen looked up at him, he didn't have the heart to. Cougar just smiled gently, dark eyes warm, and sat beside him. When Jensen leaned against him, Cougar put his arm around his shoulders, and they remained like that until the gunshots and screaming stopped.

All the Losers hoisted their weapons a little higher when Wade and his team came into view, laughing like they'd just left a bar rather than committed mass homicide. Cougar stepped in front of Jensen, putting the younger man at the back of the group. Clay stepped forward and exchanged heated words with Wade, but Cougar was only aware of the way the merc's eyes kept flickering to Jensen over the sniper's shoulder, or the way the others behind Wade gave each other knowing looks, talking quietly while glancing at the hacker. Cougar could hear Jensen shifting uncomfortably behind him. He literally growled, glaring with everything he had. He saw Roque move closer to his side and stare the mercenaries down as well. Finally the men turned away, apparently to talk amongst themselves. Cougar gave Roque a grateful nod, but his expression remained cool. He saw Roque's frown deepen briefly before nodding as well.

The drive back to their safe house had been tense and silent. Even Jensen was unusually quiet, staring at the floor of the humvee with his hands in his lap. Cougar knew the others were sneaking glances back at himself and the silent blonde, and refused to tear his eyes from the jungle outside the vehicle. It only worked to fuel the others' curiosity. It wasn't until Jensen reached over and took Cougar's hand in his own that they stopped and allowed the two their privacy. Cougar made sure the rest of their team wasn't paying them attention before he looked over at Jensen. The hacker was cradling Cougar's hand in both of his own, staring down at it like the greatest treasure in the world. There was something so hollow and broken in his normally ebullient disposition that it made the sniper's heart ache. He leaned in close and kissed the side of Jensen's neck, right below his ear.

"Es bien, mi amor. Estoy aquí." Cougar whispered into the blonde's ear, entwining their fingers and giving the hand in his a squeeze. Jensen smiled a bit, but it was a shadow of his normally bright grin.

"Sé, Cougs. Sé." Jensen murmured back. They still preferred to speak Spanish in the quiet moments. It gave them some semblance of privacy, as the other Losers weren't even close to as fluent in the language as Cougar, a native speaker, and Jensen, a genius with an ear for languages.

Jensen immediately disappeared into the room he was sharing with Cougar. The sniper hesitated before following him, wanting answers and unsure of how to get them. Or even if he truly wanted to know just what was wrong.

Cougar closed the door quietly behind him and stood there for a moment, watching the blonde hacker type away at his laptop. He saw the tension in the lines of Jensen's shoulders and back. Cougar crossed the room nearly silently and stood behind him, reaching out with a deceptively steady hand. He felt Jensen jump slightly beneath his palm when it pressed against the back of the technician's shoulder, sliding over his shirt to follow his collarbone. Cougar's hand moved across Jensen's chest, and he bent down, kissing the curve between the younger man's neck and shoulder. Jensen sighed quietly, relaxing beneath the soothing, familiar touch. Cougar closed his eyes and sent up a brief prayer, silently asking for Jensen's forgiveness.

Cougar abruptly spun Jensen's chair, fisting the front of his shirt and pulling him out of the chair before throwing him onto the bed. Jensen made an undignified sound, but it was lost when Cougar straddled his hips and captured his mouth fiercely, pinning the blonde to the mattress. Jensen squirmed beneath him, but Cougar, despite what he lacked in size and muscle, was a steel trap atop the hacker. He could feel and hear Jensen trying to talk and moved his own mouth, kissing the younger man's jaw and cheek before biting his ear.

"Cougar? Hey, Cougs, lemme up, man," Jensen tried, his voice somewhat weak. When Cougar didn't stop, he cleared his throat and tried again. "Cougs? Could you at least let go of my arms? I gotta lotta work to do, and...I guess I'm not really in the mood after today," He chuckled, dry and forced. As Cougar bit and licked the side of his neck, he felt Jensen swallow thickly. "Cougar, lemme go. I'm serious, dude, not tonight," Jensen was started to shake beneath him. "Cougar? Cougar, please, let me go." He wanted to stop at that moment, and he nearly did. This could be a terrible mistake, one that they'll never recover from. Or this could be just the thing to bring them closer; knock down one of those last walls between them. "Cougar? Cougar?" Jensen was nearly in a blind panic. His pulse fluttered rapidly against Cougar's lips.

"Get off me, Wade! Just get the fuck off of me!" Jensen finally screamed. Cougar abruptly stopped, lifting his head and looking into Jensen's blue eyes. His eyes were wide with terror, face flushed. "Oh god," He finally whispered, forcing his gaze to the ceiling and breathing deliberately. Cougar released his wrists and went up on his knees, moving to sit beside Jensen on the bed. When Jensen finally sat up, Cougar immediately put an arm around his shoulders, keeping him close.

"What did he do?" Cougar spoke quietly right into the blonde's ear despite their privacy. Jensen didn't lift his head from where his face was buried in his hands, but Cougar could wait.

When Jensen finally moved, he just lifted his face, resting his chin on his folded hands. He stared ahead, eyes distant and elsewhere.

"Before the Colonel recruited me, I was just a loaner, sent out to help whoever needed it," His voice was rough, and Cougar was taken aback. "One day they told me I was being sent up to Canada. Guess they didn't have any spare hackers lying around and we owed them a favor or some such shit. So I got sent up there and that's...where I met Wade and his team." Jensen gnawed at his thumbnail, a habit they'd long since broken him of, but still came up in only the most dire of situations. Cougar would usually pluck the hand away, but at the moment, he didn't have the heart. "It was fine for most of the mission. They were weird and Canadian, but they were friendly. Especially Wade," His voice trailed off for a moment, faint lines appearing between his eyebrows as he went through the memory. "I should've known," He murmured, mostly to himself. Before Cougar could interject the blonde forged ahead. "My last day there I was packing up my computer stuff, and Wade came in. He kept talking, asking questions, and for the most part I didn't listen. Then I heard him lock the door and..." Cougar swallowed. He knew what was coming.

"He pushed me onto the bed and pinned me down. I tried yelling but he shoved his damn tongue down my throat. When I bit it he punched me, managed to crack my glasses and give me a fucking concussion. I was pretty out of it when he gagged me and tied me to the bed," Jensen's voice hitched, and he cleared his throat. "He, uh...cut off my clothes and..." He was blinking frantically against tears slowly growing in his eyes. Cougar rubbed the other man's back, leaning in until his forehead met with Jensen's temple. The computer technician leaned heavily into the warm contact, and when his eyes closed tears finally rolled freely down his cheeks.

"I prayed and prayed and prayed but he wouldn't stop. And it hurt, god, it fucking hurt so much and there was blood..." Jensen shuddered, making a sound like a suppressed sob. Cougar was unable, or perhaps unwilling, to stop himself from pulling the trembling man into his arms and hold him for everything he was worth. "I'm sorry, Cougs, I'm so sorry." Jensen choked out.

"Cállese ahora," Cougar scolded gently, pressing a kiss to the back of Jensen's neck. "You have nothing to apologize for."

"But that's the reason why," Jensen drew back, looking at Cougar's face with a painful earnesty. "I want to, believe me, I do, but everytime...I just...I see him. I can still fucking feel him like it happened yesterday and I just...freeze." Jensen turned his face away with the last word, closing his eyes too late to hide the fear shining in his too wide, too young blue eyes.

The words slowly sunk into Cougar's skin, and suddenly it clicked. Realization slowly crept across his face, carefully guarded horror small in the back of his dark eyes.

"Jake," Cougar whispered, taking his friend's face into his calloused hands. Jensen's gaze was hesitant to meet his. "You know that there is no pressure on you at all to take us further. I said that I would wait for you to be ready, and I will."

"But you won't wait forever-" Jensen started, and Cougar was torn between wanting to smack him for being so dense and wanting to kiss him to show just how deep his devotion was.

"In my entire life I have never, and I will never, love anybody else in this whole world as much as I love you," Cougar kissed him, slow and sweet. "I will spend forever with you, if you'll have me."

Jensen melted with a soft moan and kissed back firmly. One arm hooked itself around Cougar's neck while his other hand slipped into the sniper's dark hair, knocking his hat to the bed. Cougar moved his hands to Jensen's waist, keeping them outside his clothes but pressing hard enough that Jensen felt it. When Jensen made a sound in the back of his throat Cougar slowly slipped his hands under Jensen's shirt, caressing the hacker's skin with his fingertips. In response, Jensen arched his back, bringing his body closer to Cougar's. The sniper pressed his flat hand against the small of Jensen's back, keeping him in place, while his other fingers continued dancing just above the waist of Jensen's jeans. Cougar began to lay down, pulling Jensen down with him so both would be on their sides, but Jensen twisted them around so Cougar was on top of him. The Spaniard propped himself up on his elbows over his friend's body, breaking their kiss reluctantly.

"We don't have to do this," Cougar whispered, running his thumb over the thin sheen of sweat on Jensen's brow. He could still feel the other man trembling, but it wasn't nearly as bad anymore. "I told you I can wait."

Jensen looked at him for a moment, clearly picking his words carefully. "I want this, Cougs. I want you so bad it scares the shit outta me," His hand cupped the back of Cougar's head and their foreheads touched again. Jensen closed his eyes and let out a slow breath; Cougar couldn't tear his eyes away from him. "Help me, Carlos. Help me forget the feeling of him. Please." The small tremble in his voice nearly broke Cougar's heart.

He kissed Jensen's brow. "I will, cariño. Promento."

"I love you, Carlos," Jensen whispered breathlessly against the column of Cougar's throat, words hot on the other man's skin. Cougar kissed him deep in response, running his tongue across the blonde's upper lip.

Cougar's hands moved to Jensen's, stretching the hacker's arms over his head, interlacing their fingers and pressing their joined limbs into the mattress. When he felt Jensen gasp and begin to tremble he broke their kiss and shifted up, pressing a kiss to Jensen's forehead before ghosting his parted lips up the blonde's arm. Jensen squirmed beneath him, mumbling incoherently and flexing his hands in Cougar's. When the sniper's mouth reached Jensen's wrist he placed a slow kiss on the tender skin, feeling the fluttering pulse beneath his lips, then did the same to the other.

"C-Cougar," The younger man's voice trembled like the rest of his body. Cougar shifted his weight back to his knees and leveled his face with Jensen's, not releasing the hands in his, but loosening his grip so his thumb could stroke the soft skin he'd tattooed with his lips. Jensen's jaw was clenched tight, eyes twisted shut. Cougar kissed his eyelids gently, first one, then the other, and was relieved to see the lines had smoothed beneath the man's brows.

"Jensen," Cougar whispered, lowering his lips to within a breath of Jensen's. "Jake, mi amor," He tried again, and this time cool blue eyes opened to meet his. "Do you trust me?"

"Of course," Jensen whispered back without hesitation. Cougar smiled, placing a small kiss at the corner of Jensen's lips.

"I would never hurt you. I'd sooner die."

Jensen's brow furrowed. "I know that." Cougar leaned his forehead against Jensen's, looking into his eyes.

"You say 'stop', and I will stop. If it's too much..." He trailed off into silence for a moment, and for once, Jensen didn't try to fill it. "I just want make you feel amazing, mi corazon." This time it was Jensen who closed the space between them, pressing his lips to Cougar's.

"You're the only one in the world who can, Cougs."

Their hot mouths met simultaneously, and the room was filled with the sounds of them gasping and their bodies moving together, clothing rustling. Finally it was too much and their hands released, moving to the clothes of the other. They made quick work of the last barrier between them and Cougar was back on Jensen in a flash, both hissing at the feeling of their bare flesh meeting. This time, when Cougar linked their fingers and pinned Jensen's hands to the mattress the blonde rolled his hips against the sniper's in response. Cougar drew back in surprise, and Jensen gave him a devilish smile, eyes heavy lidded and face flushed. Cougar smiled back and his open mouth met Jensen's hard enough that their teeth clicked together.

As their tongues tangled, wrestling passionately, Jensen slipped his hand free and fished a tube from under a pillow, pressing it into Cougar's hand. Cougar took the silent cue and grasped the back of one of Jensen's knees, drawing his leg up. Jensen hooked his leg over Cougar's back, the heel of his foot digging into the Spaniard's side. Cougar freed his mouth and held the man's heavy gaze while his calloused hand stroked down the back of Jensen's thigh, molding to the curve of the muscle. His palm slid seamlessly to Jensen's bare ass, and the corner of his lips turned up when his fingertips brushed over the blonde's entrance, making him shiver.

"Carlos. God, Carlos, please." Jensen gasped, voice thick and sinful. Cougar gave him one last hard kiss before shifting back to his heels, freeing his other hand. He found the small tube among the blankets and opened it, spreading the lube liberally on his fingers. He kissed Jensen hungrily as he gently prepared the hacker, opening him up slow and thorough. When Cougar thrust his two fingers in deep, pressing firmly against the bundle of nerves within the younger man, Jensen responded with a twitch of his hips and a long moan. Cougar took that as a good sign and withdrew his hand, pulling Jensen's other leg up to his waist before slicking his own cock. Cougar pressed the head against Jensen's wet opening then stretched up, bracketing Jensen's shoulders with his hands. They stared at each other a moment, both breathing heavily and trembling with anticipation.

"Are you certain?" Cougar whispered, fighting the heat in his belly that demanded he just close that space between them, taking the man beneath him in one hard thrust and claiming everything he wanted of his friend. But he would never do that, least of all to Jensen.

Jensen's legs tightened around his torso and the hacker reached for him, hands sliding to his back before pulling him close. They kissed slowly, but everything they were doing by this time was filled with an edge of desperation to finally break down that final wall between them. It had been almost a year since they first kissed, both of them having been taken captive and tortured for information. When they came for Jensen, concussed and bleeding and bordering on shock, Cougar fought desperately to protect the blonde. The sniper got a improvised club to the back of the head, dropping him to the floor inches from where Jensen had laid for the better part of a day. Their eyes met, and Jensen smiled around bloody teeth.

"You'll be okay." Jensen had whispered, both of them ignoring the men gathering around them to take the computer technician away, most likely for the final time. Cougar had been unable to stop himself from fisting Jensen's shirt in his hand and pulling him close. Their lips met, chaste and tasting of copper, and they were torn apart. Jensen was half-limp as they took him away, and the last glimpse Cougar got was of his blue eyes slipping closed.

Roque, Pooch and Clay had shown up none too soon, saving them both, and Cougar had awoke in a hospital room shared with Jensen. Cougar had stared at his friend until he awoke and smiled, his mouth no longer stained red. Cougar carefully crossed the room, sat beside Jensen on his bed, and when their lips met this time they lingered, savoring as much as they could.

Jensen had not implied that he wanted their relationship to go further, and Cougar felt it wasn't his place to pry. It hurt, since he wanted nothing more than to lose himself in the body of the person he adored more than anything on this planet, but he somehow knew that the other had his reasons and would reveal them in his own time.

Now he knew, and he was going to do everything in his power to help Jensen forget.

The hacker mouthed Cougar's jaw, following the strong line up to his ear. "I'm yours, Carlos. Forever, only yours," Jensen whispered, breath hot and heavy. "Please, god, I need you. Please."

The last word was strained and desperate. Before Cougar knew what he was doing his body moved of it's own accord, the head of his cock sinking into Jensen. He paused there, letting the other man adjust, then continued when Jensen nodded that he was ready.

Inch by agonizing inch Cougar was enveloped in a maddening velvet heat. The body beneath his opened slowly around his girth, holding him tight and perfect. The two men panted into each other's ears, Jensen's fingernails digging into Cougar's back while the Spaniard fisted the sheets. When he finally bottomed out, hips nestled against Jensen's ass, he froze until they both stopped gasping and the blonde was no longer quivering around him, having adjusted to the strange intrusion. Cougar lifted his head from where he'd pressed his forehead into the pillow beneath them and waited until Jensen looked up at him, face and chest flush with arousal.

"Jake," Cougar murmured, shifting his weight to one hand so he could touch the younger man's cheek. "Es lo mejor que jamás ha sido mío," He pressed a long kiss to Jensen's lips before he could speak. "Te amo."

Jensen shivered, gripping him tighter, and Cougar felt the other man's throbbing cock sliding against his lower stomach, spreading a line of precome. Cougar rolled his hips experimentally, making the hacker's breath hitch in his throat. Cougar repeated the movement, this time withdrawing an inch before sinking back in. Jensen's mouth fell open but he made no noise, blue eyes locked on the sniper's.

He set up a steady rhythm, occasionally pulling out nearly all the way and sliding his length back in slow. Jensen's breath quivered, but when Cougar sank in deep it turned into a moan. Finally, on one hard thrust, Jensen gave a shout and clenched around Cougar, telling the sniper he'd found the younger man's sweet spot. Cougar lowered himself to his elbows, freeing one hand to reach between them and grasp Jensen's cock. This time, when Jensen twitched and clenched down on the Spaniard, Cougar's hips jerked spasmodically, a spike of heat and want slicing through his core.

"Cierre," Cougar gasped. "Soy tan cerca."

"Me, too." Jensen breathed, trembling again. Those long, talented hands wound through Cougar's long hair and pulled him down for another kiss. It took the older man a minute to clear the fog in his head, distracted by the feeling of Jensen's body around him, before he began moving again. He thrust hard and sharp, pace grueling, and stroked the heated flesh in his hand. Their kiss fell apart and they were left sharing breath, panting against each other's lips.

"There, Coug, I'm right there," Jensen whispered frantically, writhing against Cougar. "Don't stop, don't you dare stop."

Cougar couldn't find words at the moment, so he just kept thrusting and stroking, driving them both relentlessly toward orgasm. It was less than a minute later that Jensen came, arms and legs tightening around the Spaniard, passage constricting on the slick cock within him. "Carlos!" He cried, and something in the blonde's voice and use of his first name pulled Cougar over the edge. With one final thrust the sniper exploded within his amante.

"Jake." Cougar growled, and Jensen's ass milked him, drawing out his orgasm.

They remained still for a moment once the aftershocks subsided, letting their breathing calm on it's own. Finally Cougar turned his head and kissed Jensen's cheek before kissing his lips once more. Jensen's legs unwrapped from around Cougar's waist and fell limply to the mattress. The movement jarred Cougar's flaccid cock free.

Cougar drew back to look into Jensen's face with an indecipherable expression. Jensen stared back, eyes still heavy lidded and face shining with sweat.

"He'll never touch you again," Cougar said abruptly.

Jensen smiled slow and his arms, still around the sniper's shoulders pulled him close again. "I know," He murmured before their lips met again.


End file.
